It's 4:43am now & I can't sleep. I'm actually at Rach's right now. I'll explain that in another post. Because right now, I just have too much on my mind & my heart is too heavy. I just feel like pouring everything out right now.
I don't know if any of you guys know but I don't really like to disclose all my personal stuffs on the social media platforms. Yes, at times I tweet about stuffs that may be personal. But if you realize, there're a part of me that you guys know and another part I would always try to not be too open about.
For example, who am I dating or who am I seeing currently or my family issues, etc. however, at times I do blog about things that are bugging me a lot. Like if I'm officially with a guy, I don't see the problem in letting people know about our relationship. Especially, my readers.
Let's just say that things haven't been going well for me this year. I actually do not want to talk about all of this because I'm saving it for the "ranting it out before the new year arrives" time which is prolly New Years haha.
No but this part is that after my break up with my previous boyfriend, I stopped seeing guys for about 3 months. I am still trying to fix myself haha. No but that doesn't mean that I still like him or love him or anything. I can be completely honest that I've let go of that parcel & I'm glad I did.
Well, I obviously had all the stupid "I will never love again" thoughts but it felt true even till now that I was really extremely devastated & heartbroken. I know I will never be able to find my old self or fix things right with my old clique again.
But it's ok. I still have people around me who cares & I do appreciate them. I've always been just letting myself do things that make me happy. I remembered that when I was going through that dark time, someone (can't remember who) told me "why find your old self when you might be happier creating a new one? Don't try so hard bc it might fire back."
It all made sense. So I did whatever that will make me happy & I just let things flow. That point of time I still had this clique I hang around with. I miss them, even till now. I mean yeah, I do. I wouldn't lie about that.
Then during august, I fucked things up. (Excuse my language) things were so complicated. Everything went downhill again. But this one guy, he managed to keep it all up. He was also partly why everything became complicated. But he stayed & worked things out. No, I wouldn't say he was the best person to work things out with or the best person to text or whatsoever.
But he stayed & tried just like those that are still by my sides now. He did make me feel happy & everything. So naturally, he was the one that made me happy after the bad break up. Haha. He was cute & all. But damn, everything is never perfect & it never works for me.
Because somehow, something will fuck up & I will have to fix it. Oh & believe it or not, I never give up, I never will. But when I first started knowing that if I continue whatever it is, it will be a tough journey. I didn't push it away & run away, did I? I'm telling you, at that point of time I was still able to salvage. It wasn't that deep or I didn't fell that hard yet.
You know, somewhere along the way, things get more difficult, someone stops trying & the other constantly tries to band-aid everything, sew everything torn patches, glue every piece back together. But it takes both hands to claps. It takes a pair of chopsticks to pick up something. They say you can't be too close to one another but at the same time you can be too far apart.
& if you're asking me? Now we're too far apart. It doesn't matter how many times it takes to fix things or make it right because I would always want to try but I don't want to be doing it alone.
So right now, I'm taking a break. I've not given up yet. There're other people out there. The ball was in your court but now it's in the middle.
So when you're ready to care & all that, take the ball & strike. Don't wait till it's all gone. Sometimes shyness is not everything. Because if the person means something to you, you would go against all odds just to be with them. & when you're ready to be back & chasing, take the ball. then I'll decide.
I don't want to constantly feel like crap & be so unhappy & so troubled. I want to be happy & there's nothing to stop me. Because the choice lies within me. & now you're just hurting me more. Saying one thing, doing nothing at all, making me chase, stop. I won't. No matter how hard it is I won't. Because I'm tired. I really am & I really don't care if you're shy or if you're making a fool out of me. If you're lying, fuck you & don't ever be in my life again because I detest people like that. You know I do.
I'm really tired. I've had enough of firing balls all the time. It's time for you to do some shit. Don't wait till it's all gone, I'm telling you that.
xo,
Chloe.
