As of now, I pretty much feel really dead. I get annoyed at myself that I feel so empty and alone. It isn't that I am lonely or anything, I am fine with being alone and not doing anything else for anyone or worrying about anyone or anything else except me. I am absolutely contented with myself and my time for myself. I just constantly feel like I am not... alive. I feel like I could be myself, going for work, meeting friends but I don't feel... alive. How contradicting when I created my banner for my blog, I decided to use the initials of capital A because of my name, Alycia, and to choose words I thought was me.
I was always known as that girl that's full of energy, always smiling, laughing, enjoying herself, the company and just alive, living in the moment. I don't feel that now. I don't know what killed that.
If you read my previous post mentioned above, you would know that I don't have a perfect family but it didn't bother me. It allowed me to learn how to be independent since young and till now. It allowed me to know that I couldn't dependent on anyone else except myself. It made me taught myself the sense and logic I am telling my friends when I give them advices, it made me mature myself as to who I am today.
With that being said, I guess a part of me always craved for what others would want now, love. Not the love from home but from a third party that's a stranger till things change. I don't have that craving anymore. That craving died long ago when I knew it wasn't possible because I had to love myself first. But even when I did, things didn't happen the way it was supposed to be. But it was fine. It is fine. I am fine.
When my friends come to me and ask why they are constantly so unhappy even when they have someone else that is so willing to make them happy, or why is it that when someone they adore dearly leaves, they feel like they're dead. I ask them, 'Are you happy? Before you met him? When you met him? During your relationship? After the end, are you still able to be happy with yourself?' I guess that is how we know whether we love for the right reasons.
I don't know what are the right reasons exactly but I can tell many that are wrong. Everyone definitely wants love in their life somehow, one way or another. Love make things better, they do... well if they turn out the way you dream of it.
I guess when you're contented with yourself and you're able to live with yourself for a long period of time, and just breathe for yourself, you only, then you can see a whole new world. They say that no one can destroy you if you don't destroy yourself. However, I would beg to differ to a certain extend. When you have that wall and you let it down, you should always already know that this person could very well leave you at any minute. Trust is key and it is vital in any and everything. When you love someone, you're trusting them to not stab you in the back and your heart, with the knife that you've just given them. You trust them and they trust you. When the trust is broken, everything is over and nothing is possible anymore. Well, at least I see it that way.
Without trust, there're so many doubts. So many questions of every little tiny detail. You constantly either be the one asking all the crazy questions or get asked the crazy questions. Who likes that? So what I am trying to say is that, everything is built with trust and without trust, there is nothing.
But let me link that back to what I am trying to say here earlier on. You feel so betrayed when the person leaves for someone else, you feel so confused and lost when the ending is an open door to no possible answers and then you feel so broken because you know that a part of you was so dependent of that person. The both of you shared a routine, shared secrets, shared history, shared many other beautiful memories that only the two of you would ever know about (in detail). Then you start to doubt yourself, if you've ever loved yourself or were you just trying to have someone else to love you because you didn't know how to? Craziest of all? You know the answer to the question.
Love someone else because you already know how to love yourself. That person isn't supposed to be your everything in life but should be in love. That person shouldn't be there for your needs but for the growth of the both of you as human beings. Both of you are together but it is important to also be remembered by everyone else, including yourselves, that the both of you are of different entities too. It is two individuals fused into one but it is also two individuals growing up, together. That is the different. That is why people need space and time. That is why it is healthy for alone time in a relationship. Unless it gets too long, then maybe start to flash the red light.
I feel like I have lost a part of me, I am not sure how big that is, but I know I did. I know that this is why I feel empty now. I know that this is why I can't feel anything. I get emotions or feelings for awhile but then it goes away and for most part of the day, I don't feel anything. I feel dead. I will be alive, soon. Till then, I am not sure. I hope people understand what I am trying to get across as they are reading this blog. What I have lost, can never be filled. That is just it. It can be healed over maybe a little more time but not anytime soon. I guess?
xo,
Chloe