*Disclaimer: Profanities and names and rather personal and also a lot of effort so do not even think about leaving a "comment" on my askfm. Other than that, any other "messages" or questions will be entertained. Very lengthy post ahead as well. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Very much appreciated.
Hello, it is the time of the year where I sit my ass down and start to reflect on how this year has been for me. I would say that 2014 was full of fucking shit and drama and a whirlwind of emotions but most importantly it has taught me many lessons and opened my eyes to the truth and knocked some sense into me. I would say that through these tornado storms of events in 2014, I have grown to become stronger and have learnt to build my walls up higher. Though, I did started this year with the thought that it will be fucking amazing because it is my graduating year and I thought I would only be suffering when I am preparing for O's. But no, fuck this fucking 2014 year. It was like a perfect recipe to break me and tear me into pieces emotionally, physically and mentally. I have no idea how I pulled through this year but let me just tell you how I got through it with all that I can remember of.
So, where do I begin? Well, it is only the 28th and I am already starting on this post because I won't have the time to do so within the following two days. Plus it is the billionth time I am editing this post to the way I like it ugh. I think I have a learnt a lot this year about the people around me who I call "friends" and the people I thought I would be with for a longer period of time and about myself. I have learnt yet again, what are true friends and what are fucking assholes and douche bags. I have learnt to always count on yourself and that sometimes it is not because you didn't try or that it wasn't enough but because they don't see your efforts and even if they do, they just can't appreciate you. Furthermore, how certain things are so beautiful and you would want to keep it forever but you can't and that is just the way it is and you can only keep it deep in your heart.
First off, the year started out rather alright for me. I had people I thought cared about me and I still had fun and all in school. Such as visiting polytechnics and having CCA booths and more training sessions. School was alright for me. I started to drown because I was juggling between work and school and trainings. I had to rush off for work after school and ended work at 1am. I would only be asleep by 2:30am and be awake at 6am. That was horrible and I don't know how I did it but I did till... February I think? Or March, I don't know. But either way, it was over. I caught Believe Movie with Clare and the feels is always the one that makes me want to squeal and jump in excitement hehe.
February was my favourite (a little). I never really had birthday parties or anything related to my birthday because it was always pointless to me. I felt like nobody really remember it and nobody will ever really bother so whatever hahaha. But this year, it was so heartwarming! I was beaming the entire day and I can still vividly remember how that day felt like. I was on Skype with Fa the night before and on the dot at 12am, he started to sing happy birthday to me hehe. It was really sweet and he also sent me home that day after all the surprises. I received a pair of black Superga from Harraz, a Crabtree and Evelyn perfume from Aznin, a chocolate cake from Eddy and an astonishing surprise from Jenni & Sya! It was really a great day for me and I felt so contented and blessed. I would love to relive those moments.
Oh and of course, I fell down on the first day of CNY. Who could ever forget that? My phone dropped into the drain. I still had visiting to do with Rachel so yeah.
Well, I guess there isn't anything special till Speech day. It was the last time we (the councillors) would ever do a big event and have to run about for. The feeling of it is same old, same old.
Then there're days where we still had learning journeys for Literature. Oac hiking trip (though I only made it for the swim but hahahaha wtv). There was Sports Day. The day we stepped down from Council. Sya and Jen cried but I didn't, how weird. The rest are either just studying dates with Jen/Chloe or I would hang with Rach from time to time.
I guess the greatest of this year are all the downs. I am the kind to only have a few people that I hold closely to but slowly as time passes by, I start to see people turning their backs on me. I am not sure when it all started but I remember how everything was still a blur to me. It is still but it just doesn't bother me anymore. It started when F and I constantly fell out and constantly had arguments over the same reason. It was when I started to hear people saying things about me as I walk down the corridors in school or make my way anywhere in school. It was when people close to me start to tell me that they want to distance away from me because of a group of people that doesn't like me.
It was when I realise the people I always stood up for, were always spitting behind my back. The people I cared so greatly for and only had eyes for, are the very ones who turned their back on me. It was confusing. I didn't know what was going on. I still don't know what happened and how things got to the way they are. I was never one to cry much but this year, I cried a fucking sea. I cried a fucking atlantic ocean. Sounds exaggerating? Because it was that much and that bad to me. I couldn't understand why. Worst of all, I never let anyone in or know about how I felt. Well, I did. I let F in. I told him everything. He understood. He listened and he knew this part of me that no one would ever know. The entire year, I would go to school, go to class and then go to recess alone, lunch alone, anywhere alone. Till school is over, I would go back home alone. Sometimes, I would meet Jen or Fa and I would spend time together.
But it wasn't great. It wasn't something that made me feel... alive or happy with what I was going through. I hear people telling me "did you know that ---- hates you?", "eh you know people say you very arrogant and...", "everybody hates you", "cutemen hated you since last year. I thought you knew", "oh you didn't know that everybody in cutemen hates you? They're just being fake idk why". Those very words stuck with me for a very long time. I don't care about everyone but I do care about quite a number of them. (cutemen is a group of boys in sec4 batch fyi) oh let's not forget the amount of hate comments I receive on askfm saying how I can't accept the fact that Fa "dumped" me or that I am so arrogant and full of myself so on and so forth.
Let me just say, this entire fucking year, I had to be alone because my best friend couldn't stand people saying to her "go la to your best friend we are just your part time best friends what", my best friend who I have known to be the one to never have been afraid of not fitting in or losing friends told me "can we not be so close in school anymore? because cutemen hates you" and my boyfriend constantly had to struggle between both ends because he didn't want to make a choice and neither did I want him to. I even told him that if he wants to, just go ahead and choose them. Why is it that a bunch of boys are able to control people and make people that are close to me have to not be so close because they don't want to cause drama neither do they want to be talked about. What is so great about a bunch of people you call friends, when they turn their back on you once you're close to someone they don't like? That is not fucking mature and that is fucking ridiculous. Just because you don't like someone it doesn't mean that the people around you have to not like the same person either. It is so stupid and I do not and will never understand this whole fucking shit.
I am so sick and tired of hearing the same reasons from people. I decided to fucking isolate myself and just let them do what they want to do. All I had in mind was to fucking graduate and move on from this school. Oh yeah, what a nice graduating year when all the people you once stood up for and called "friends" suddenly "hate" on you for all the reasons possible.
Worst part of this year was when Fa and I were very rocky before Prelims. I couldn't focus much but I had to. It was fucking eating me alive. We were constantly arguing and it was always either a good patch or a bad one. Never in between. Always over the same bloody reason. It was so fucking tiring. I couldn't handle it and I decided to call it quits. That shook him but guess what! Of course the people around him thought it was me and when we were arguing, just because certain informations were shared to them (first one ever because he never really trusted anyone with any informations about us or himself) and boom. The drama begins, again. People starting speaking like they knew me, us or anything at all. People started to whisper and say shit but never to my face. I can hear but I chose not to react because I don't see the point in giving them the outcome they had hoped for. I chose to hear it all and still hold my head up and walk away. They can say all they want and I won't care because they don't know respect, they don't know anything about or what I have done or how much I have tried or how hurt and tired I am. They don't even know a single thing at all.
Oh what's best part? The distance started. Fa and I were close but we drifted. I told him but he wouldn't listen and just one week before final exams ended, we went our separate ways. He promised me so much and I was really looking forward to a new beginning without all the drama or the people and just the focus on how to better the things between us and how he would put in the effort but guess what, he left. I can remember every detail, every word, every single thing we did together. In that moment, I could feel my entire heart ripping out of my chest, my stomach was twirling and my hands were shaking. It was raining, how nice. We walked back together and it was the last time he ever pulled me away from the side walk and held my hands tightly so that I wouldn't be further away. The first time since the last, we had walked back together and the time we felt what we had the first time (6th of march). It was insane, tormenting, heartbreaking and it still is.
I still do wonder why he left and why he would say "I love you and want you but at the same time I don't want to be with you", I still do wonder how he made all the promises knowing that I hate broken promises and broke them all at once when he never did before. I still wonder what we could have been. I still wonder how we ended up this way. I still miss him from time to time and I still wonder if it was because he knew that if he stayed, he wouldn't try and it would only hurt me more. I loved him with everything I could and I did try very hard to fix him and tried to be there for him. I tried my very best to never say I'm tired and to be patient with him. He made me a better person and I am so thankful for him.
But also because of him, I now have fears. I have greater fears than before. I am afraid of falling. I am afraid of trusting people. I am afraid of letting people in. I continue to build my walls up higher. I continue to push people away and only tell them things if they are very close to me. Even if they are close to me, they never see me cry. Some may have heard me cry on the phone but they never see me cry and when they do, they never know what to do. I can remember the day Sya walked into the class and saw me crying. All she did was sit beside me and told me to go eat Popeyes with her. (World's weirdest and dumbest girl ever)
It has always been like that. It is just me crying alone to bed, crying at a corner where no one can see. I try so hard to hold everything back but I can never do it when it comes to him.
I have never felt more alone in this year than I have in my entire life (yet). I have never felt more vulnerable. I have never felt more hurt or broken. As if all of that wasn't enough, after O's, a phone call came and I learned more about the people around me. My best friend was rattling shit about me and making up stories when he knew all along about what was going on and I was always there for him. Then another is lost because of stupid dramas again. The caller said "I don't understand why you treat everyone like shit but treat that one person that is betraying you so nice. Do you know the amount of people you can be nice to instead? You treat everyone like shit and treat him like a gem but end up he is the one who is doing this to you all the time behind your back. I feel so bad for you and I wish I could tell you earlier. I don't understand why you always only treat a few people so special when they treat you like shit and wouldn't even stand up for you at all." Fa and I weren't talking anymore but I couldn't handle it and only he would understand so I called him and bawled my eyes out.
Things aren't the same anymore. I have lost the person I have first had such strong feelings for. I have lost the people I thought I could count on and treasured our friendship dearly. I have lost a bunch that I thought were good friends to me. I understood that sometimes people come into your life to teach you lessons such as to never trust people easily and to always only trust yourself and never go another mile for someone who wouldn't even go a centimetre for you. They also taught me that no matter how badly they have fucked you and your life up, you still have to hold you head up high and believe in yourself. You don't need to explain to anyone about anything except yourself. It doesn't matter if no one sees anything good in you as long as you believe it in yourself and you do good, it will shine through. If you don't believe in yourself, no one else will and can ever. You have to love yourself before you love someone else. It is also okay to be alone and there is nothing wrong with that. You have to be able to be alone before you can be with someone else. You have to focus on yourself before you can focus on someone else or anyone else. You are important and you are breathing and you are alive. Life is too short for you to moan and be upset about everything. Yes, I still am trying to move on with the pieces he has left me but it doesn't meant that I stop living for myself. Just because I am still healing it doesn't mean that I cannot be smiling or that I cannot enjoy everyday of my life. I live for myself and I don't wish to go by everyday being upset. From time to time, I will miss him. Especially on the 12th but I will still put on a smile everyday and be grateful and focus on fixing myself and to be happy again.
I still will not change myself to please the haters. I cannot please everyone and that is just life. You cannot please everyone and that is the way it is. There will be people who love you and there will be people who hate you. You just have to suck it up and be yourself because there is only going to be one you in this whole entire world. Only change when it is something bad and when you know it. But never change yourself to fit in. If they can't accept you for who you are then leave. It is not worth it.
Soon enough, it was graduation day. I am never one to cry as you may have already know from some part above but I did. I cried because I felt like everything was still crumbling on me. I started off thinking that this year would be amazing and I would be so happy to finally graduate and will be jumping around being hyper as always. But no, I was alone, the negativity consumed me a whole and I felt like everywhere I turn to was just another deep dark hole that I would fall into and never get back out from. Of course, I still thought the ones that I took pictures with would still be around but it is okay. I know that the ones that I have cut off are motherfuckers that don't deserve to even fucking exist in my life for the way that they have treated me. Fuck all the promises and cheap talks. If you aren't going to use actions to prove what you tell me and promise me then jolly well piss off because I don't have time to entertain you at all.
After graduation, it was about a month or something before the start of my O's. I started studying properly.... Started to study an entire year of shit (9 subjects) within a month. Am glad to say that I improve rather quickly and was able to make it. Hahaha, as much as I had all those negativity in my mind and all the shitty drama I am dealing with, I had to force myself to focus only on my studies because that is what matters and should only matter to me. It was funny how the teachers started to speak to me because I don't sleep well at night and I constantly look really upset hahaha. It was heartwarming to see that there are people who still do care.
After all that shitty drama in school and I'm out, I had a job almost immediately. The negativity and the amount of pain still haunts me and everything that has happened was like a plague to me. I tried my very best to be happier and to be better as a person. I focused on healing and bettering myself as a human. To be more thankful and to appreciate the ones who have stayed thus far as well as have a kinder heart.
As of now, I am thankful, very thankful. I am so grateful that I am still breathing and that I pulled through this entire year only to become a stronger being and to learn lessons that will always stay with me. Grateful that I have met people that I have shared such beautiful memories with and to have people that stuck by with me through every up and down I have been through this year. I am thankful that I had the best early christmas time with Ron and to have more time with Sya and Jen and Chloe. Thankful for many others as well. Can't ask for more and I only hope that 2015 will be a better year ahead and to still have these people close to my heart.
Thank you 2014. You will be a big reminder to me. But also, fuck you.
xo,
Chloe