It's been a while now I guess.. I haven't been here. I felt like if I were to pour my heart out on this site, then everyone would know my bizz, which is something I have always wanted to kept private. I write here, from time to time, talking about this or that, but never my feelings or what is really going on beneath those smiles that I have worn. I try to get myself up, be strong, be the better person I am supposed to be. But I can't do this any longer. It is so tiring, to just keep trying to fix things and make things right, hoping that things will get better. Soon enough, the faith and hope you have, the light you see in every situation, dies. You start to wonder if everything that you've done is worth it. To be very honest, nothing has been right. Things can get better from time to time, but it only lasts for a day or two, if I am lucky, a week. I am tired.
I don't like to bother people with my feelings, or my issues, or whatever. I don't want people to think that I am not strong enough. I don't like the feeling of being vulnerable, that others are capable of crushing me. I stop and think if whatever I am dwelling on is even worth the time, or if it is even important (or major). To others, it might differ. In fact, to everyone else, it will differ. They might think I am a typical teenager thinking that every small things matter but it really does.
A year ago, I got my heart crushed. It wasn't so bad, but it did got me into a situation where I felt extremely lost. I felt like everything that I believed in was a lie. I felt so betrayed, that I never knew I had such great feelings for someone. I may have been in that situation before but, it was the first to ever made me feel like I can never trust anyone, ever. I felt like everyone is lying to me. But then again, it wasn't that bad. I had friends who genuinely cared and I could at least feel that they wanted me to get better. Thank god, for their support, I managed to find the strength in me once again, and stood up strong and tall. I managed to be better, as a person in all terms. To those that never had a good impression of me, some did see the better as I spoke to them, whereas some remained as whatever it is.
I was very lucky, to have my best friends alongside with me, as well as someone great that has entered my life, weirdly. We were never that close, neither have we spoke for long. We may have been in the same class but we never spoke for more than a minute or two. We spoke because I had my heart crushed, because he had a favour to return. But we ended up an item. We were weirded out at the fact that everything happened too quickly, that we were not able to catch our breath and see what was going on. However, being with F made me really feel contented with life and everything else. Because I was able to forget the issues, the relationships with others that I have to fix. Being with F made me smile, thinking about him right now, and all our happy moments together makes me smile and want to relive those moments. But, they never lasts. It is stupid, the arguments we have, the war we fought. They are all ridiculous and "wtf". They never made sense to me. It didn't matter though. I would let my guard down and run towards him anyway because I know, I wouldn't want to let such an amazing person go. I don't want to lose someone that I have never felt such greatly about, go. I never want to lose him, you. One time, two time, three times, it didn't matter. It never did matter to me how tired I would be, how broken I am/might be, or if things never did work out. Because all I had in mind was to, be with him. It never mattered to me what other would think or say, because what he did/say matters.
Overtime, things seemed like it isn't getting any better unless the other party starts trying too. I guess, I can't handle it emotionally anymore. I wished I am stronger than this. I wish I held on longer and tried to fix things, to make everything okay. I am truly sorry, if I am not good enough. I am truly sorry, if I am not worthy of your efforts. Or that the things that I have done, or tried to fix, aren't good enough to make you try. All I ever did was hope for your love, that you would be more affectionate and put your words into actions. I may have been through phases or issues that have gotten me to be the worst, but this is different. It feels like I am too tired to continue with life. I feel so lost.
I feel so tired, lost, broken, ruined, shitty as hell. It feels like only he could fix this. It feels like my relationships with others are gone too, they went down the drain. It feels like I am so alone, fighting this battle, without a army that I thought was/would be there. I slept for a good 14 hours but it isn't enough. I wish I could sleep forever. I wish I could shut my eyes and never open them, until things get better. How am I supposed to fight this battle or all of it, alone? Isn't supposed to be a two way thing?
It sucks so bad when you know that there's something missing. You know that your heart is empty and broken. You know that your soul and mind is tired, and gone. You know that a little longer, and you're gone too, this time round, for good. You know that you can't wait for things to be better. You know that you made a decision so wrong, it ruined you. Unless that person realises your worth and comes running back into your arms, everything is over. So is everything over, yet?
Goodbye...
