I would be lying if I said that I don't regret all that I have done when I was younger or during my "rebellious years". I guess I started being really... out of control when I was younger. But I do not regret the mistakes that I have made too, otherwise I wouldn't have grown to be who I am today. Likewise, I am still making mistakes along the way and I am still learning and growing. So yes, bear with me.
I would say that I have done pretty much a lot of things to disappoint the people around me when I was younger. I was reckless and I had an issue. Some might think that it was due to my family background and stuffs but I never felt like it was. I felt like it was because no one was there to ever listen to me about how I feel towards certain things. I felt like no one was ever there. If you've seen me around or anything, you would probably think that whatever I am going to say right now is a lie.
I am shy. I can be an extrovert however, most of the times I don't know how to react to people and I don't know what to say. That makes me anxious which is why, sometimes when people come up to me to say hi or compliment me, etc. I wouldn't know what to say and I would just give a vague smile. I don't know what else to do other than say hi back or thank you and smile. I guess it really depends too. Sometimes if I was already quite active (hyper), I might be a little more... loud. Let's take first day of school as an example. I would freak out just by having the thought of it. I wouldn't know how to react and I wouldn't know what to say or do or what not to, I would feel like everyone is staring at me and thinking that I am a weirdo, or something like that. Which is why, some might say that I may look "bitchy".
This takes me to my next point. I get from people a lot that I appear "fierce" or "scary" at first glance and that I'm "arrogant". First of all, I might agree that I look a little too stern if I don't smile because I have been told that I have scary eyes or something. I get that because I have seen a lot of people having a poker face that makes them look like they are unhappy with you or whatever. Secondly, the real meaning of arrogant is 'behaving in an unpleasant or rude way because you think you are more important than other people'. (yes, I looked it up on the dictionary) And I will disagree with you if you say that I am too proud or whatever. There is a difference with taking pride it what you do and being proud as fuck where you think that you'e so much better than everyone else. I never felt that way before. I have definitely felt proud of what I have achieved through hard work but it doesn't mean that I will look down on those around me or think that I am better than everyone else. Even if you think you are the best, there're bound to be people who are better which is why, we are all still improving, learning and growing. It never ends. They say if you are at the top, move on to the next one where you would be at the bottom. So you would learn more and constantly improve. Lastly, I have people who say that they think I am "arrogant" because I don't see the need to change myself for anyone.
Yes, I don't see why I need to change myself for anyone else because if you're not going to be able to accept me for who I am, then I don't see why we should be friends, or whatever it is. However, I would say that if it is something that would affect you in other aspects and in the future, then change. For example, the way you speak to people, the way you treat people, your attitude towards people/certain things. What I mean by not changing who you are is.. not changing how you act, behave, feel, for someone else. For example, your best friend doesn't like it when you wear a certain style (which is how you have dressed all along) and she asked you to change into something else. That's bull. Wear whatever you want. Do whatever you want. Make sure you are contented and comfortable with yourself. Because then, no one can tell you otherwise. Know what it is that you should change about yourself to be a better person, a better you, and not something that will replace who you are and you're always going to be miserable for not being able to do what you love/enjoy.
I think that it is important to accept yourself for who you are. If you are unhappy about how you weigh, how you look, do something about it. But don't do it because others say things about you. Don't get plastic surgery just because someone doesn't think that you are pretty or whatever. You need to be able to accept yourself for who you are, be happy with yourself, be able to be independent before anyone else can ever love you.
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Lately, I have just been really lost. I got lost because I suffer from insomnia and I would do anything to get more sleep. I have been trying to though, to sleep earlier and get more rest. I feel like because I have been bottling things up for far too long, that's why I am lost and crumbled again. I have never felt this lost or crumbled. I guess it just happens when you are have been hurt and tired for far too long. I need a break. I need to focus. Focus on myself, my studies. I know and have a clear mind of what I want to do for my post secondary education. I know what my heart desires and that I would work hard for that. I need time. I need to be left alone but at the same time be reminded that I still have people who care and love me, when I need them. Sometimes when I am used to being alone, I will eventually shut everyone out.
Right now, I need everyone to shut the fuck up if you don't know anything that I have been through. I need people to mind their own business. I need people to stop speaking of things that they don't know of. I am still strong and standing tall. I have never let your words get to me and I never will. But know that you have no rights to speak of certain things and that's just how it is going to be so please kindly back the fuck off and shut the fuck up. I close my ears and I shut my eyes. I ignore the things you say but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I have had enough.
I am going to let this space be for now and sort out what I would like to do after my O's when I have all the time to chill. So till then...
xo,
Chloe.