I have decided to blog about how I feel and what is going through my mind regardless of what anyone else would end up knowing about me. I want to make myself feel better.
This is a space where I am allowed to spill my bottle of long kept feelings and emotions and thoughts. I will not mention any names or pin point anyone. This is just me.
I have never felt more broken, hurt, torn. I have never felt so many emotions in one. I have never shed more tears. But all I can feel is nothing. The things around me, the people, they ask me if I am fine, I tell them, yes of course why wouldn't I be. I tell them lies, I feed them with it. It is to convince them that I am okay and there's nothing to worry about. Or mostly, I don't want everyone to be in my bizz. Sometimes when people that I want to care about, ask me the same question, I would too say yes, while screaming in my heart and mind "no! Can't you see that I am not? Can't you see that I need you? Can't you see how broken I am? I am not me."
broken, vulnerable, torn, pieces, ripped...G O N E
I don't know what to feel anymore. I know I can never find myself back. The cheerful and carefree me. I know that every time you fall, you get up stronger and you're a different person because you learn and grow. But I think this time round, I might just need a good period of time to get back up. Or maybe even if I do, I wouldn't know what to believe. I would want to believe in the good just like I used to. I don't think I can anymore. I want to believe in words again, the things that people tell me but I only trust actions now. I only trust constant effort and actions.
If you know me, you would know that I have an issue with liars or people who hide things from me. Especially, my closed ones. It is something I could never tolerate or withstand, which is why I don't let the people who have hurt me to stay. If I give you another chance, you take it and make it right. If I give you another chance but it is obvious that I can't trust you anymore then, go away. Yes, I forgive. No, I don't forget. I remember because I take them as a lesson learnt. I take them as something to remind me, to be careful, to stay close to my own heart and secure it myself.
I don't wish to believe in people who have let me down countless of times before. I don't wish to believe in people who I've given chances to and yet, make the same mistakes over and over. I wouldn't say that I have completely lost hope. If I have, I wouldn't still be here, hoping and waiting.
Hurt - emotionally, physically, mentally,
constantly
Tired - emotionally, physically, mentally,
it never ends
How do I stop this? Fix myself. Easier said than done.
I have tried my best to stop myself from further destruction. I have trusted myself and my heart with someone I never thought would be in my life. I trust that it would be kept and handled with care; love. I never got it back.
Special? What is special?
I would never hurt you the way you hurt me, I would never kill you the way you murdered me, I would never stab you the way you stabbed me, I would never want you to ever be in the place I am in, I would never want you to be unhappy, I would never want you to feel like a burden, I would never want to be the reason why you wouldn't ever believe that the next person that comes along wouldn't hurt you in such a way... never want you to be gone
I would still do anything and everything to keep you by my side. I will. I still do believe in everything of us.
There are the good in life and the bad. Once something goes wrong, it wouldn't be the same. But that is it. It isn't supposed to be the same. It is supposed to be a chance for you to make things better, right, do what you have to, to make the person stay. Not just because you love him/her, but because at the end of the day, no matter what, you just don't want to lose the person.
They say you have to love yourself before let someone else love you. They say you have to be happy with and for yourself before you let someone do the same. What if I did love myself and was happy with and for myself? But this person happily came into my life and made me happier, feel like I couldn't ever love anyone else more than this?
He isn't the reason why I lived my life. I lived and live my life for me, myself and I. For my dreams, my passions, myself. But I wanted to make things even better, for him and for me. I wanted to make him happy. I got carried away and started doing things for him that I wouldn't have ever done for anyone else. I don't think I ever would anymore. I loved him more that I have ever loved anyone else. I kept him close to my heart. I've shown him the sides of me that I've never shown anyone else. I fought for him, harder than I ever would for anyone else. I cared for him, believed in him, had faith in my more than I ever would for anyone else. Like I never did any of these with or for anyone else. Before and after. I still do; every bit and pieces of me still do and always will - special.
I don't wish to feel for anything anymore. I hear and see things I choose to cover and block out because I know it wouldn't do me any good anyhow. I let the people choose if they want to stay. If they don't, goodbye. if they do, I'm glad and thankful.
There're days where I feel like I am on my wits end. I feel like my life can end any moment. I feel like it is all too much. I feel like these are eating me alive. It is consuming my entire being. I would literally want to disappear for good. I felt like I needed someone to remind me that they are there if I needed them. I needed someone for me to just lean on and cry. I don't need anyone to fix me, I want to do that for and by myself. I just need a shoulder to cry on. Instead, it was a pillow that soaked up all my tears.
Right now? Right now, I am waiting. I am fixing. I am broken. I am believing. I am hoping. I am having faith. I am... still loving. I am still here.
thankful; C C F J J J R R S
xo,
Chloe