I laid in bed for a good hour, bawling my eyes out. I was praying and asking for the strength to get through this, the lowest point of my life yet. I get that things aren't always going to be picture perfect, like the ones we picture in our mind with our imagination and hopes. I get that. But it really is tearing me a apart that everything is not working out.
I feel like my trust issues are just getting bigger, my insecurities are eating me alive and my mind is taking over me. Before the end of the major examinations, I had in mind that things would be better after because I would be less restricted and so would the people around me. But I am wrong, so wrong. Ever since that night, I go bed every night, literally with the puffiest and reddest eye. I would tell myself to suck it up and move on but I can't. Now, things just keeps getting worst.
Every night when I pray, I not only ask for the strength but I also talk about the things that have happened that I am grateful for. It was to make sure that I am still rooted to the ground and still count my blessings everyday. I am so tired. I keep trying to please the people around me. I am not sure if it is because I don't wish to let them know how I truly feel or because I just don't wish to bother them with my issues.
Every night I would talk to myself and say how I feel. I will make sure that I at least got these feelings out but it doesn't work that way anymore. The pain is too much and the sadness is just... idk. I wish I could get rid of it. I wish I could genuinely be happy like how I am when I put on that smile every morning when I leave the door.
It hurts me to know that all I want to is to be there for you and be sure that you know that someone cares and loves you. I never had the courage to say that I am done, no matter how tired I am, I still held on. I didn't want you to think that I am another person that gave up on you. I don't want you to feel like you can never do anything to make someone happy because you genuinely did make me happy. There was a point in time, where you knew me better than anyone else and understood me better than anyone else, myself included. But right now? Right now, I think this is what you're doing to me. You make me feel like I am not important, I don't make you happy enough, I am not good enough and that I didn't believe in you enough. You make me feel like you don't even care about me anymore like, I am magically non-existent. Well, I still want you to be happy and I still am worried about you and think about how you are, everyday and night.
It hurts me to know that you of all people, would let me down in such a way. You of all people would talk about me like that, behind my back. It is the greatest disappointment I have had in someone yet. Are you glad that you've achieved that? I constantly think about how I can make you happier, how I can help you out of your negativity and be the light for you. But this is what you say about me behind my back when I constantly am just worried for/about you? I am speechless and please, don't ever speak to me again. I can't trust you anymore.
I never thought a job that was offered to me immediately would cause me someone I truly cared and loved. I thought I could turn to you when all of the above mentioned, happened. I thought you were the one that would always be there regardless what. This really saddened me, a lot. I guess it doesn't matter now because at least I still have you around.
You. The one. Closest to me for almost 3 years. What happened to us? All I want is a little of your time and attention. Just you and me, like old days, doing stupid and hilarious stuffs. I miss that, you know? I miss you, you know? I never know what got us into being so distant. I never knew we would ever be like that. To know that you complained about me complaining about not having time with you, that broke me too. I felt worst than what I was already taking in from everything else. I never thought I would have lost you...
Ah, I have always been protective of you. Worried, anxious, didn't want you to get hurt or sad. I knew you were like me, that sadness would consume you. I didn't want that to ever happen to you. Seeing you already being upset and I couldn't do anything about, made me feel worse. It was the more that I didn't want to tell you anything, to worry you or give you more trouble. Didn't want to disappoint you because you of all people always thought that I was very strong. (But am I really?)
Hibiscus. Things are so complicated. They are everywhere that I don't know where to begin with. You've never seen this side of me. In fact, no one has, not even myself. I didn't want to let you see this because I was afraid and I don't know why either. I don't like it when people see me as vulnerable.
Right now, I am vulnerable. I am pretty fucking broken and torn apart. I am pretty fucking done with believing in people and their words. I am not sure who to trust or who not to. I guess I am a nobody to everyone that I treated as a somebody.
