Love is not everything. It is something but definitely not everything. Many would talk about love like it is the best thing on Earth, it can be. But the truth is, it can also wreck you and tear you into pieces, impossible to ever fix back to original state. I think being a 16 year old that I am, I shouldn't speak of love like I know it all. However, I know a little, enough to make me never want to believe in it again.
Growing up, I thought love was horrible and something really hurtful, known as "evil" in many kid's vocabulary bank. I thought of love in such a way because there were nights when I saw my mom crying, about her first marriage. Or often, my mom and dad would be fighting a lot. I never understood why my dad had to be so vulgar, rude and speak to my mom in such a tone. Understandably, I would get annoyed too but it is only because my mom was just worried and wanted to felt secure about everything in life. Still, it wasn't enough for me to understand why they can never get along well or how they managed to get married even. I would want to believe that I had a happy family (together) due to the different events that I have had as a child. But sadly, it isn't enough to convince me that I have a proper, happy family like everyone else around me.
Weirdly, that didn't bother me as much because I am grateful that I still have both parents with me (separately). I had both of their love and care. I had a lot of doubts of how this 'love' things works or how it is even supposed to happen. Witnessing the failures in love life that my mom and sister have as a kid, made me believe that love is temporary and bullshit (excuse me). I would have only believed in being happy myself.
Some of you who might have been reading this blog for a long time, or know me personally would know that this sounds really contradicting, having known that I have been dated thrice. I would none of it except one made me feel love and what it was like to really love someone.
The first,
It was cute, funny and great. It happened in a way that I knew it was going to happen and I sort of freaked out that I was going to back out and runaway. Funny how I speak of it like it is a game, backing out. Well you know what they say, "it is all fun and games till someone gets hurt". Of course, it wasn't like that. It was great because it was my first time trusting someone else of another gender, in terms of "love". I felt weird because it was great to have someone but it was also just... weird. I didn't know what it was like to be a girlfriend, I believed in the stereotypical way of saying "the guy should do everything". Ha, what a mistake. He was nice and sweet and patient. Till, a mistake made with someone else took everything away. Glad that I stood still to my beliefs and all that geez. I felt really betrayed but I also felt like it was a close call, before I felt really hard. After this, that was just it. I felt like it was enough of an experience that I didn't want to believe that people would stay faithful and loyal.
The second,
It was really fast, filled with happiness but also really heartbreaking. I believed in someone that right from the start told me a lie about his past. I rejected thrice and finally gave in because no one has ever truly treated me like a princess before. The surprises, basically, any of the "boyfriend material" was in him. It was great to have someone to show you that you're worth something, someone to have his time spent all on you, to just make you feel special and happy. I truly felt happy and never have been happier with someone. But it was stupid because I should have saw it coming. I thought distances was okay, I thought distances was for partners to grow as an individual and to have time for themselves. I was physically injured because of an accident and that caused more distance. I never knew I lost him till I made that call to say I miss him, when was out on a double date. I never knew he would have done such a thing. I am such a fool.
It truly did hurt me and I found it really hard to just get back and find someone again. I felt like I was so caught up with being happy in that moment that I forgot to keep my friends close, forgot to remind myself who I am, forgot to just... keep safe of me. I lost everything and was left with nothing else. I had to restart from every single possible way. I tried to rebuild my friendships with people (though, I now know it was never rebuilt), I tried to just cry as much as I want and then get up and be strong again. It was a rough year for me, it was anything else but easy and happy.
The third (also, the only one that I felt something real for),
It was a hell of a ride. It is something that will always be special. It is something that started out awkward, too fast, strange and shocking, basically just "how the fuck". When it happened, many other things happened too. Keeping this on the low key, figuring out what was happening and how it happened was already a maze. But I am more than grateful and blessed that it happened. If it didn't, I wouldn't have known that I could feel so greatly for someone, I could feel what was real and realize that nothing else really compares to this. I wouldn't have also known that this is the "first love", not the first guy. This is the person that I would never want to lose but have to lose. This is the one person that can't stand me but still manages to do it because he felt what I felt and want what I wanted too. It was mutual. It was so beautiful, yet so flawed and for that, it has to be kept in our hearts forever. I never wanted to speak of this because this thing is that one thing that truly changed me and would make me emotional. If you give me another chance, I would choose to be with this person right from the start and none of the above mentioned. I still do and will always love, care and believe. Real feelings don't just go away like that (even though I wish you could).
I am not sure what made me brave enough to talk about any of this but I would guess that it has mostly to do with me not wanting anyone else out there to believe that "love is everything". Do not ever commit suicide because of love. Love is great and beautiful but it is also evil and heartbreaking. Having a heartbreak is nothing compared to anything else. When the person leaves, you might think that "oh my life is over, what do I do now", that is when you know you are not loving for the right reasons.
Before you love someone else, you have to love yourself. You have to be able to know that nothing should ever revolve around you, your soul or your world (mind). Nothing except you, yourself. This does not mean being self centered. It means taking care of yourself, love yourself, be secure with yourself, be contented with it and then let someone else do the same thing but it should only be there to enhance it, to make you feel happier. Being is love is great and to speak of it to your partner or person of interest is blissful, it should be spoken of greatly but you should also have a safe net, to save yourself when the person decides to cut the rope.
I am not sure if I am getting my point across but I hope that when people are reading this, they can relate and understand what I am trying to get across. I hope people start to realise that even though love and being in love is amazing, it should also be something to be careful of and is fragile. I also hope that people know that love is not going to be everything because there is so much more to life than love. Love is only going to be a quarter of the percentage of love, in life.
xo,
Chloe
