Firstly, THANK YOU! I HIT 10K pageviews hehe.
It's friday so I'm here to blog! hehe. I think if I'm not wrong, I skipped last week because I was too tired or I posted one earlier. It seemed like ages since I last blogged. So much has happened this week, sigh. You have no idea! I have been itching to blog but I don't like using my phone to blog bc I can't resize my pictures and I prefer having to type on my macbook hehe.
Well so let's get into it already! Oh wait before that, the only reason why I could squeeze in some time now to blog is because my chemistry consultation was cancelled and I got home early hehe. So anyway, like I've mentioned, A LOT HAS HAPPENED.
First up, school and work. Yes if you've been a regular reader of mine or if you follow me on twitter, you would know that I'm juggling both work and school/studies. So my Jan and Feb schedules are all fully packed. Trainings have been alright for me. I am thankful for my coach, Yan. hehe. Well Reju and I have been motivating each other. It's kind of crazy how we didn't get along well when she was in secondary 1 haha. Well anyways, I believe that I've made improvements. Nothing major or what not but hey, a little goes a long way! So other than trainings, studies wise has been alright. Other than the fact that I have been falling asleep in class (oops) and that I failed my math test bc I fucking suck at math. Work has been alright. Lately, it has been.... boring. Like there aren't as many customers and I think I am just too tired to be hyped for anything except tomorrow.
So then we have my issues. Juggling both school and work is not easy. I end school at 5plus everyday or sometimes, later. (ever since school started) After school, I rush for work (except Mondays and Wednesdays). I end work at 1am. By the time I get home or even complete my homework for the days that I have no work, I end up having only 4-5hrs of sleep. I was late for school thrice. I have never been late for school in my entire secondary school life. I felt so..... I can't even begin to explain. It's like that was one that I managed to keep up to without fail and now... fucking hell.
Let's just talk about this week. The week has really been a hell. I don't even know where to begin. You see, with my school and work stuffs, I am alr physically drained. Not forgetting my trainings and sore muscles everyday. Followed by issues that makes me both mentally and emotionally fatigue. I have no idea what is going on with me right now. I had so much hope for 2014 to be a good start and it was but now... I have no idea what this is. Yes, certain things had gotten better and things were how they used to be. But because of certian people and certain issues, everything crumbles. What's worst is that the "certain people" are the ones that you never expected to be like how they are now.
On monday, I had the strong urge to break down but I was alone and it wasn't some place quiet. I sat at the bus stop for quite some time. I missed more than "just a couple of buses". I sat and thought everything through till my mind exploded and went blank. I was listening to music. You must be thinking that I'm insane and that I could have gone home to do my homework and sleep since I am always complaining that I have only 4/5hrs of sleep. But no, I was so fatigue I could barely move. Even if I could physically, I felt like emotionally and mentally, I was dead. Like a zombie walking. I decided I could not just sit there so I walked all the way from the bus stop to Toa Payoh central. I tapped in the mrt, sat down again and just stared into space. After some time, I started to use my phone. Plus the trains were all packed anyways. I ended training at 6 plus and I got home at 8 plus. Wow...
On wednesday, the same shit happened. I was fatigue, yes. But this time round, it was more. It contained more... sadness and tiredness? I don't even know if I'm making sense right now. After cca, I was actually still doing fine. But someone just had to make a joke. I'm fine with jokes, I really am. It's fine with people teasing me about my height/weight/boob size/whatever but that was my last straw. At that point of time, that was my last straw. That was all I could handle so much for a day and everything that has been going on in my mind and heart. I took my bag and left. No one cared or bothered because I am nobody. Just great. Walked to the bus stop, earphones in. This time round, my urge to cry was just beyond anything. I literally felt like getting banged by a damn vehicle. I don't know if it's because I was tired or upset or whatever. I just felt like ending everything. Weird huh? I sat at the bus stop for a good 45mins or so (i guess?). Jy and Ed came along and I couldn't hold in it any longer. I covered my hideous face and started to tear off the walls. Jen and the rest turned up. Jen and I walked first while the rest were just behind. I was fine afterwards. I still feel the same but... who cares right?
I told a certain person some stuff, I trusted the person. Yesterday, I found out stuff and I blame no one but my itchy hands and curiosity. I never knew it was "my karma" to deserve stuff a thing to happen to me, again. I never knew I deserved all this and the thigns that had happened. I never knew I was such an annoyance to you. I NEVER KNEW I WASN'T DECENT ENOUGH FOR YOU. Yes, people set passwords for a reason. But people also sort their feelings out and get straight to the point. People tell you what they have in mind. You said you're fine with it but then you turn around and say another. Well, I thought we were at least being honest and open with one another. At least, I was. I know you don't like me. I know we are never going to happen. You think I don't know that? Does it look like I would want to focus on the bad stuff and not move on? I trusted you and now I feel like I am not only betrayed, I feel like I never knew you. It was like playing with the fire and now I got burned. I got burnt thrice, I held on still. I think this time round, it's final. I wasn't trying to force us into anything. You can't force love. If anyone should understand that, it would be me. I would not wait for you to come around and care anymore because I know that you don't.
I thought you cared. I thought you bothered. I thought you would at least be a friend. I thought you understood what I was going through. I thought you knew how I felt. I thought you knew that I was still in recovery from all the broken holes. I thought you understood and knew me. Seems like you didn't. It seemed like you didn't even felt a thing. I have no idea how you managed to pull this through. Oh yes, if you didn't even care int he first place then of course you wouldn't even be affected by it. You need to understand that I am not mad (not all mad). I am utterly disappointed. I feel like whatever I have done or put in an effort into, are all for the laughs. I'm like a joke, isn't it? I try so hard to put on a smile everyday and be strong. Now it seems like everything is just fucked up and gone.
I never expected the people who texted me out of concern to ever text me. Considering the fact that I always thought that one of them hated me. Turns out, it was the ones who I was expecting a text or call from, that did nothing. Absolute nothing. I guessed I should have listened to myself. Isolate myself. I shouldn't have gotten close to anyone. Recently, someone asked me why am I not celebrating my birthday. I told him, "because nobody would remember neither would anyone bother. plus, who am i anyway?" Scary isn't it? Every year, I look forward to my birthday but this year I realized that it's just a birthday. No one remembers. No one cares. No one would know. And slowly, I would fade away from everyone's life.
I'm sorry for being so negative right now. But I really need this space to pour out everything that I'm feeling. I know that there are things that you guys (not directed at my readers) are talking about me but whatever it is, just know that you can say whatever you want. I really do not care anymore. I'm too tired. I can't wait to sleep forever...
these are pictures taken some time last weekend or other days. I don't remember anymore.
xo,
Chloe.