Just finished my third paper of O levels today. Thought I should blog a little to... because I felt like it? I don't know. Just had the sudden urge.
You know you have those days where everything is just too much? Yeah, I had them for the past couple of days. I was in the midst of panicking for my English exams because let's face it, English is the most important subject. Technically, whether or not it is a subject, I think that it is vital for everyone to be able to learn a common language and to practice it to the best. Though, I am able to understand that to certain individuals, it can be quite challenging. Either way, as long as you want to achieve it, with hard work there's no way to not be able to.
Oh, back on track. I am not sure when I started having such panicky feelings where I could feel my tummy twining, my head starting to bang and my heart starting to pound. It felt like I wasn't able to control my own self. Maybe, just maybe, it's all because of the stress and pressure from O levels. Either way, I am almost done and or with, with it. I can smell the teeny bit of freedom.
As I was having those days of... sadness, I felt like giving up. Honestly, I did. I've cut off many people from my life (no doubt), but I feel like I am disappointing everyone. Not because I am not able to be strong for them but because I am not able to be strong for myself. They always tell me that I have been "the strongest person they know", "you're such a strong girl", "I have no idea how you pulled through". I guess I slowly started to believe them and in myself too. But it was just for these couple of days where I felt like I needed reassurance and the company of certain individuals.
I feel like I am constantly trying to better myself that I forget to stop for awhile and breathe. I get scared when I see my friends completing tons of essays or what not where I have wasted my Saturday away watching Criminal Minds. I get upset when I look at myself in the mirror now or when I see people on my Instagram like fucking Kylie Jenner or MarxMae and I start feeling inferior. I start to feel like I want to be skinny too. I hate it when it comes to exam periods. I feel like I have no self control and start eating, well, 24/7. Worst of all, I eat Macs everyday.
I start to see myself getting into a shape that I do not like. I start to detest everything and want to get exams over and done with. I want to be able to wake up, head to the gym, like I did before. I want to be able to go to the gym and just zone the fuck out. I want to release all my negativity in a positive way. I want to start a better lifestyle. Sick of all of this.
I tell myself everyday to stop comparing myself to other fucking hot girls I see fucking everywhere on any social media platform but I can't help it because they are just so damn fine. It hurts. I want to be able to be happy and free. I want to be able to do as I please.
I can't wait to be with Jen, to find ourselves. To do things to feel better about ourselves.
I can't wait to try out new things, to have new adventures, to start anew (you get what I mean). I just can't wait to find out more about myself. To discover the new and be done with the old.
Just can't wait.
p/s: I think my hair is turning brown again and I hope the teachers will not ask me to dye it black for exams lol. Also, fingers crossed that my mom will bring me to Bangkok....... wa pretty please.
xo,
Chloe
