There was a time when I was always afraid of things and I never liked admitting it because I like putting up a strong front. I guess that part of me still do exist but, for a better reason now.
Due to past experiences, I am afraid. I am afraid of many tiny things that probably do not matter much to anyone at all but... it does hurt me and I am afraid of history repeating itself.
I feel really lost, not really. Just broken and hurt. I guess I have been trying to not let anything affect me and just be the strongest I can be but I am tired. Tired of being all positive and hoping and waiting. Tired of believing that things would get better for me and would for once just be okay. I am tired of closing both ears to all the hurtful things I've hurt about me.
I have never regretted being friends with a certain bunch of people because they have been there for me at a certain point of time where I felt really low and just needed positivity. I have always been thankful for their existence in my life. At least, being part of it once. I am not sure when it started that their backs were all turned on me and I was no longer someone that mattered to them. Probably the time when I lost track of everything and was too caught up with ensuring that my partner at that point of time was happy. Maybe right from the start, it was all fake but I would just like to believe that in all of that, some of it were real and happy.
I would never understand how they could tolerate my actions, behaviour, thoughts and words at that point of time because I would too, say that I am never careful with my words and actions. I am sorry for that but I am also glad that I have been better. I did thought of clearing the dark clouds but I thought maybe it would not work out because I don't even know where to begin from. I still do care about most of them, I still do wonder what happened, how it all became like that. I guess I never thought things would turn out so ugly.
I am just really tired of figuring out why, trying to think how 2014 has completely turned my life upside down. How people that once asked me how am I, don't anymore. How most of my time was spent with a bunch became alone and pondering why. How I see people to become seeing photos and reminiscing about the past, the good times. I think a lot about things and I really have had enough. It is really tormenting and hurtful and I would wish to stop all of this and the feelings for this.
I would not hope for any of the friendship back, I would not hope to stay in touch, I would not hope for anything but to know why and how. This year, I am not invited. 2 years back, I had my macbook and we were all in the water, happily having a bunch of joy. I never knew how things got into such state and I would want the truth.
