It just sucks that you know you're going to miss and love this one person for the rest of your life and that no one can ever be compared with. It is just so special, so beautiful yet so flawed. Nothing comes easy and this definitely didn't. It was an amazing ride. I can never bring myself to bid farewell because I know that my lips will mumble goodbye and I love you but my heart will always want to hold your hand and just be with/there for you.
I will never stop asking myself why it didn't work out, what happened, what went wrong, what I did wrong, what I could have done better. I will never stop questioning myself. I will never stop having such strong feelings towards you. I will never stop asking when is the right time.
Do I move then? Do I fall in love again? Do I have someone else in the future? I don't know and I don't want to. It isn't fair because I only believe in us and I don't wish to believe in something new and have myself more broken than I am now.
The good times lasted long enough to make me feel like it was the first time every time we hung out. I'll never forget what it was like when we first spent an entire afternoon together without the rest (when I was still part of it). I will never forget how awkward and weird it felt like because I only found you good looking and we never really spoke before. I will never forget how things got ugly when people found out and I lost someone. I will never forget how things got so out of hand and I was out of it, slowly. I will never forget how fast we were speeding into us. It was so out of the blue and just weird. I will never forget how shock we were when we started talking and realised that we had so much in common. I will never forget how you reacted when you knew that I actually do listen to other genres of music other than Justin. I will never forget the things we have learnt about each other and how I got to know you the way no one else would ever. I will never forget the sweet nothings you said to me and the horrible crap you said to me. I will never forget the tiny surprises, the effort you made, the trouble you have gotten into, the scoldings I received, the shyness we had, the fail surprises, the no actions plans, the broken promises, the lies, the hidden truths, everything we have shared.
I will never forget the butterflies you give me, the flushed with redness smiles, the feels of excitement and just happiness, the feeling of security, the feeling when you call me your princess, the things you've said to make me believe that I am strong enough, the fear in your eyes when you knew how dark my thoughts were, the tears you dropped and held in your eyes when we were rocky, the way your pupils dilated, how fast your heartbeat was, the fear of losing me that you hate to admit, the fear of losing what we have and had. I will never forget you.
With you, it just felt like it was the first time. You're definitely not the first guy but everything felt so real and like it was the first real thing I felt and have had. I never really thought I could feel such a way for someone. I never believed the way people spoke of love because my mom never really told me that love existed. All she said was that guys are not good and they break your heart. I have seen her tears and my dad's actions and words, they scared me. I have been in relationships before you but with you, it is special and always will be. I never felt like I can't move on. I never cried so much and so long for one stupid thing. I never felt so vulnerable and broken before. I was always worried if you are okay, if you needed someone to talk to because I know you're stone hearted and bottle everything you have in you. I also know that you don't express yourself well and I always stood up for you when people question me about you or when they say nasty things. I felt like protecting you because I don't want you to be alone through anything and I want to be able to be your pillar of strength, that you will fall in my arms and my shoulder is yours to lean on.
It is crazy how after everything and if I was given another chance, I would still choose to go through this roller coaster ride with you. I will still choose to love you and be with you. I do not regret anything we have been through, I only regret that one call I made that I think changed everything. I regret letting my insecurities eat me up, I regret letting the dark take me over and that you had to see that side of me. I do not regret letting you in because with you in me, was the best thing ever and I would do it again just to have you hold my hand and say that it is all going to be okay. I will miss you and I want you to be happy. I don't wish to be the reason why you're upset or unhappy. You being happy and having that smile on your face is all I want. Be happy because when you smile, I will literally smile. (not kidding idk why but I will idk)
Don't forget me but if that makes it easier, then please do so. If you have to erase me completely to be happier, then do so. I love you and am always here for you, my love.
xo,
Chloe