Last night I was tempted to call you but I decided not to because I know t would only push you further away. I missed your voice, just you actually. So I was just scrolling through Tumblr and then went to our app. I fell asleep after bawling my eyes out and listening to the voice notes that we sent to each other. I mostly, of course, listened to yours. That special one, the one on your birthday, that really made me felt the sincerity in your voice and ugh, just so bad and hard. So sad.
And tonight, right now, I am stuck listening to the voice notes again. Happen to listen to some back in July, where you asked me something you've never asked before and that made me smile. I decided today after judging from you actions that you detest me so much, to move on and let go of you, for you to be happier. But listening to those voice notes really did made me flush with redness again, grinning from ear to ear but this time round with a pair of teary eyes.
It sucks, surely, to know that as I listen to you say "I love you" in the voice note and not have you to hear me say "I love you too". The voice notes makes me feel like you're still somehow here. I came across one where you asked me to not think so much and that things are going to be okay. I think probably for a long period of time, that will keep me going, when I feel like I need you, that can make me feel like you're there.
I guess the saddest part is that as we once said to always be there for each other and now, you don't want that. That sucks but I just have to suck it up too. I guess I am going to just be stuck with these voice notes and it is also probably the only way I'll ever hear you say I love you again. As I am typing this, my tummy is just literally twinning and I feel so sick like so anxious, I can't even deal.
There were even a few where you were rapping and singing haha, that literally made me burst out laughing and just smile non-stop because you obviously know how I feel about that. It is still insane how after everything and all that pain and heartache, these tiny little things still make me feel nervous about you and make me feel... happy about you and us hahaha. Oh wells.
I'll stop missing you soon. I guess? I don't know. Can't believe that it is over for real and that you didn't take the chance. mmmm
