You know how when you break up or part ways with your "special someone" (at that point of time), you feel like all of the walls are crashing down on you and there's no way you can escape from this disaster? When you pull them back and hold their hand so tight as if you're about to pop all of their veins, and ask them to stay and work things out but they say nothing at all? That silence, when you know that they don't bear to say no to you because a part of them can't bear to hurt you or see another drop of tear of yours running down your cheeks. You know that in that moment, that silent moment, it is it. It is all over. There're no more "chances", "another try" or "we'll get through this together". You know that even if you were to stay at try all over again, nothing will change, it won't be the same as before.
All you can do after letting go of that hand physically, is to slowly let it go mentally and emotionally as well. But how, exactly? When they have given you so much to remember? The amount of time you both have been together doesn't matter. What matters was the feelings you shared, the details, the little things, the moments and every other thing you've done/been through together. How do you put those down and slowly close the chapter?
A day passes by, your pillow is probably soaked with the tears you cried lastly. You've probably used up two boxes of tissues, at least. You probably still have your sheets covered over you. You probably didn't even bother to eat or drink or clean yourself. You just don't want to get out of bed. All you can think of is the fact that he is no longer around, "us" don't exist anymore, your entire world of happiness is gone, you world is now dark and soulless.
Another day passed by again. Yet, nothing has changed. Still under the sheets. Still grasping onto your phone, hoping he/she would call/text. Fighting the urge to text/call him/her. Fighting. The. Urge. No, too late. You sent it already. You dialled at least twice already. Looking through photos and videos and having all the memories you shared together, playing right in front of your eyes.
This time, several days have probably passed. You are still in the same stage. You reminisce. You miss. You still love, with an aching heart. You still wish for things to turn around.
This time, a few months have passed by. You're already up on your feet. It could be working or studying or anything else. You probably managed to stand yourself back up. You don't feel as heavy anymore. You might have found peace with everything. You might have closed the chapter. You might have already moved on.
But from time to time, the scar might peel. You might pass by a café you both used to visit together. You might be taking a bus that you both used to ride together. You might pass by someone in a hurry to get to somewhere else and that person's cologne/perfume is one he/she had. You might see a certain something that would remind you of your "special someone".
You're now scarred. You tend to pick on the wound and when it bleeds, you cry. You cry but not as much as you did on the first day. After sometime, you forget about the pain and you stop crying. Gradually, you forget about even having such a scar. You carry on with whatever you're doing and the wound heals back into a scar.
As long as you don't pick on it, perhaps you wouldn't ever remember having this scar. However, when you meet someone, they would question. That could either be a new beginning or you could, end it.
So I guess from time to time, if you pick on the scar, it would be painfully and you will cry. But as long as you let it heal and give it time, you'll forget having it. This way, does it still mean you're scarred permanently or will someone peel off the wound and heal it for you completely? As much as you've moved on with you life, you will still be reminded of the pain and how much your heart ached. However, it is okay and it will be fine. You won't forget but you have learnt. You've grown to be stronger and wiser.
xo,
Chloe
