perfection

I feel like as the days passes by, my expectations of myself gets higher. I guess it is just me being a perfectionist and me wanting to say that this isn't just all that I can do. I want to show that I fucking have it.

I am going to be having my portfolio review in about 4hours time? I have absolutely no idea what I am going to say. I am not prepared. I don't even know what to wear? I feel like honestly, I could've done better with my work. I could have just shut up and sit still and completed my work when I had the feels and the motivation and most importantly, time.

Somehow, I can't wait for 1.2 to come and then I can improve and start to score even better than I am right now. I don't want to just do well. I want to aim higher. I want to surpass my limits again and again. I am better than this? Funny how I am here doing some reflection when I've already submitted a half-assed reflection for later on.

I want this.

Also, I have quite a lot of exciting plans that I cannot wait for. So excited. I can't wait to travel. Very much excited for the next 3 days as well.

I know I have been talking about this for awhile now. But my new site is still.... under construction? I feel like the pictures I initially planned on using was not able to give me the feels that it was it. I don't know how to explain but it just isn't right nor ready. Lol, hard to please myself.

2 MONTHS HERE WE GO

Hi all.

So, I am pretty fucking excited about this break. I am so done with 1.1 lol. It literally feels like it was just yesterday where I was struggling with my feels for the first day of school. It is so crazy how time literally flew by. Yes, I said literally twice already. But what the fuck? It is already August? Okay. Calm down. No. I don't know. FUck lol.

I am so excited to be able to just sleep as much as I want. I am so happy to be able to just nua in bed. But lol due to certain reasons, I will also be working my ass off. But I somehow just can't wait to like do something with these 2 months other than just working my ass off?

I want to do so much. I don't know where to begin. I should probably write in down somewhere before I forget it all. I cannot wait to firstly, start on my new webpage. I just omg, can't contain this excitement.

Sitting by the waters with Ari and Haikal, got me thinking a little. There are so much that I want to do. I want to be better not just as a person but in terms of my skills as well? I felt so talentless and lol, I better get my ass down and start doing something about it. Have I also mentioned how I am starting to break out again? lol, I don't even know where all these little pests came from but it is ok. Bitch got to deal with it and figure it out.


I am not sure if I'll still keep this space when I have my new one but I most probably will. Perhaps, I will keep it private. lol, who knows.

As of now, I am going to start on my stuff and be back when I want to (again).

No photos because I am too lazy to sync my phone and I am too broke to get a new phone cable.

ok bye.


xo,
Chloe

I have been really caught up with school and other stuffs that even when I am on my macbook, I don't even have the feels to blog. I have no idea where to begin from. Just like right now, I don't know where to begin from. So I guess we should take this step by step?

School has been rather alright. It is much more manageable right now. Plus I believe that I am starting to get the hang of only getting a few hours of rest rather than a good long sleep because of all the sleepless nights. I guess it isn't too bad that I am settling in and getting used to how this new environment works. Besides, I can't believe that I am almost done with semester one when it feels like I have just started school a week ago. Either way, I am just thankful to have a bunch of friends to make school a little more bearable and to keep each other sane.

Other than school and work, I have nothing else. I am pretty much very single thus the reason why I am always with my friends. I guess it isn't too bad being alone. I am not quite sure where this is going but I guess I would say I don't know how I feel.

I feel like there is so much on my mind and yet there is nothing at all. I don't know where to begin and I don't think I should. I guess if this is me coping well then I am fine and people can just carry on with life.

It is pretty upsetting to see people around me starting to fall out of love or, to be troubled with things going on in their lives. I am glad to be able to be a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on.

Sometimes, we have to be stronger for the people around us so that they will not feel so alone. It is so that we can carry them and help them get back up and then when they can stand, we are there, ever ready to support them.

Stronger for everyone else.

it's ok, i'm fine.

do you ever

Hi all,

Do you ever just feel like you are close to a particular person but at the same time you're not?

Do you ever just feel like what you guys have (be it as friends or as lovers), aren't as solid as you think it is? 

I constantly feel like there're so many people in my life that I wish could be a constant or at least, I thought will be as close as I think we are, but somehow, we are not. I don't exactly know what this feeling is all about. Neither do I know how to express this feeling exactly. You just feel like they are there but at the same time you feel like they have never been there and they don't know anything at all. You think you  and this particular person are tight but as soon as you sit back and really think through, just how much do you really know about this particular someone? Then, are you both considered as close? How do you know if someone is close to you? How do you come to a conclusion that the person is close to you? Who is he/she? How much do you really know about him/her? How long have you even known him/her? People who say that they wish to be close to you, are their intentions pure? How do you know who to let in? When do you let them in? Are they worth? Are you even worthy to them? 

There're so much to think about but there will never be answers to my question. 

So many have walked in. So many have walked out. Every one holds a different story. Every different story has taught you different lessons. Every lesson learnt is another reminder. Every reminder is another door closed to opportunities. 

What am I feeling, really. How do I get this feeling off my chest. 

I guess the conclusion is to always remind myself that people come and go. There're people that you wish would've stayed but too bad, you were just another drive by. There're people that you will always miss and that is just that. There will be people you will never fail to understand why it didn't work out but that is just that. Life, is just... life.

I never fail to feel like I am suffocating from all the responsibilities. I never fail to just feel like stopping and just have a break. I want to breathe. I need to breathe. I am barely gasping for air. Fuck the standards of living. Fuck myself for having such dreams. Fuck this. 

I'm out,

migrate or revamp

I have this great desire of revamp-ing my blog but it can take me longer than a day and I do not like it. I don not like how while I am in the process of fixing this to my idea of perfection and yet people are already viewing it. It feels like they are not viewing the best of me and my shit yet. Thus, I dislike doing it while the web is already up. You probably feel me, you probably don't. It doesn't matter though. I am too busy trying to keep my life and bank account together, I barely having time for anything else. I almost feel like breaking down and just yell stop, hoping that it would really pause and let me breathe. However, it is all good. I will most probably abandon this site and leave a full stop here and move my ass onto a real deal I am even more proud of.


In the meantime, this is as much as I can give for now and it is what I want to keep as well.


-back to rushing for submissions-

goodnight.

xo,
Chloe

HOLLY-JOLLY-DAYS

Yoohoo! I'm currently still on a holiday because this coming week's off campus learning week (aka E-learning lol). With that being said, school starts next week for me! Though, it doesn't make much of a difference because I am still going to be working almost the entire coming week and there're assignments to do as well.

But anyway, I thought I could start blogging about what went down for my holidays.

So I went to JB to get my hair done with Ethel, along with her friend! We were quite bumped that our hair had to take so long to be done that we didn't have any time left to shop around or have more food. But it was a good day spent with her hehehe. The noodles weren't that bad and I was really pleased with my hair so I guess that's a win! If you're curious, I initially wanted to do silver or grey because that was what I wanted since February? But they couldn't produce the kind of shade of silver that I wanted thus they recommended me to do purple and wait for it to fade just like one of the stylist there. I wanted to change my mind and do blue but... I was told that it would fade to a green and I didn't want that so I chose violet in the end! Oh, along side with a pink highlight on the left! hehe. I thought it was a cute and bold touch so I decided to go for it. In total, it didn't cost me a lot and I am really happy with the results. Though, the colour has already started to fade (it is so messy and uneven I can't even deal? It's so pink and omg okay whatever) and my roots are starting to grow out! This is so annoying but I couldn't care less on most days.

Moving on, I had Koova's chalet for the next 3 days and 2 nights! It was a really good time except that I had too much to drink and was sick for the second and third day. But I guess being sick wasn't all that bad! I slept a lot and had a great time staying in the room with Crystal and the rest talking hehe. It was just cosy and warm and comfortable throughout the second day and night. Thank you to those who had to take care of me when I was... pretty wasted and having the worst time of my life... lol. Thank you to Priscilla, Bern, Rayner and the rest!

After the chalet, it was pretty much just back to my old routine of going for work on most of the days.

I had a mini shoot with Li Yang which I talked about it in my previous post, I think?

& finally, it was time for me to meet bb Jenz hehehehe. It has been so long I couldn't remember when was the last time I saw her at all? But anyway, it is always a great time with her laughing and just us being ourselves. We went to town for a bit because our initial plan was spoilt. It was all good and of course, without a doubt, we took a lot of photos. I also met her again a few days later and we went to Mac Ritchie! It didn't go as planned as well but it was alright.

I went for the TPSU interview with Crystal and Sheryl as well. Had a good dinner time with Crystal. There was also Koova's running man day and I went back for that with Crystal hehe.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Enough with all the talks about what I have been up to. I guess you never really know what you have till it is gone. You start to regret but it is honestly too late to do anything about it because that person is no longer around for you to even have a second chance. So I have learnt a very important thing this week. It is to always remember to pluck up all your courage and let whoever it is know how important they are to you or how much they mean to you. Regardless of our busy schedule, we should always try to make time for everyone. We have to make time for all the people we have in our circle and ourselves. I think that in life, when you get so afraid of everything and you give in to your fear, you start losing out and missing out. Just as you are thinking about whether you should give it a go or not, you might have already lost your chance. So we should never contemplate for too long. We should take the chance and opportunity as we see it.

On another note, I have been dying to travel. I am dying to get out of this town. Not that I detest being here or anything. I just really want to breathe a new air, be in a new environment, try out something new. Just to, you know, live a little. I already have plans made to travel and I can only hope for everything to go smoothly so that I can finally travel.


xo,
Chloe

thoughts

Recently, I had a few heart to heart talks with people. It made me realised how I am in a really good place right now. As I was giving advices and sharing my opinions on what to do, I realised that I have grown so much. I am no longer where I was before and I have learnt a lot through the time I have for myself. Being alone and single has empowered me and made me learnt a lot. I have learnt that I shouldn't depend so much on others and should always learn to not give my heart away. 

Being alone was one of the best choices I have made in life thus far. I felt more and more comfortable alone, independent and individual. I have found out even more about what I want to do in life and what I am going to do to get there. I think being alone also made me realised what kind of a person I want to be and how I will improve to be better. I listen to a lot of stories along the way and have given my 2 cents about them. And through that, I also realise what I want in a person and what I expect of myself. 

I like the fact that I didn't have to report to anyone. I didn't have to be a responsibility to anyone neither was anyone else my responsibility. I am no constantly on my phone waiting for a text, a call or anything for that matter. I am paying more attention to the people that I am hanging out with. I am growing more and more as a person and I am seeing things even more clearly. I don't have a heavy heart anymore and I don't have to worry about having another heartbreak.

I guess when the time is right, that person will appear. I suppose that the person will eventually use actions to prove to me that it is possible to be in love again. It is possible to mean what you say. It is possible to keep promises and be mature and realistic. It is possible to make things work because you want to. 

I now, want to live in the moment. I will go with the flow and if one things leads to another then it does. What's meant to be will be and what will happen, will happen. There's only so much I can do towards the things that I am in control of. Be happy. Take it easy. 

xo,

Chloe